Dilemma

What should I do?

Walking to the past again, where I saw my diary burnt away. A diary full of memories, the memories of her that was inside of me. When I turned back again, an old day that I abandoned for a long time ago, has closed for me to open it up.

I’ve walked through to forget anything left. About a girl that I know I shouldn’t put her next to me. And day passed me by, ride me to my new days. Seems I’ve reborned with this, I’m about too good to begin everything.

Then, I live my days. I color up any faded sides. I go through to be stronger. My old days have been buried deep to the underground. And I decided to make it down so I won’t see them anymore.

A smiled that ever nearby. A smiled that made days so peaceful. I know this is not to me, anyway.

Years passed me by. I left her as she knew me well. I left cause I know this may be good. Since those days, I really light it up myself from my dark side. I really feel like now we’re free. But…

Since that, I may be still lying. I may be still the same as the old ones. But I force myself to tell to me that I am free; well it’s not that easy.

But this is the problem. I knew when I burnt away my diary, the love is still inside of me. When I closed any doors from her, I just trapped her face in my head.

And after I walked for miles, far away; far away from her. Now my heart just told me that I’m still loving her.

Dilemma, what my feeling try to tell me the troubles. And what I’m thinking about is her smile. Just the smile.

But why? Why should I go back? Why should I love her for the second time? Why don’t I let my memories to keep staying away from me?

Dilemma what I feel about. The story that’s begun since five years ago, now just has raised. Let me try to figure it out. Give me more time to think about. And by now, let me feel this as I know where she walks to share any stories with another one.

If this the second one that I’ll face again, please dont let me stuck in her anymore. Please and please give me time to make a decision. Since this is love, since this is about feeling, my father taught me not to hurt a girl by his behaviour.

And since this is about coming back again. I will be pleased her as always, as she is a welcome girl; just the way she is.

Since in senior high school, she was the only and the one who remembered my birthday as a friend. And the only girl that spent her time just to wait for my coming during Ramadhan before breaking the fast. The only girl that wanted to sit next to me in the library. And the only girl that ever said “cool” to me back then. Thank you.

Ukiran Catatan di Jalan Hamzah

— breaking reza